


Tinseltown

by Missy



Category: Indiana Jones Series
Genre: Action/Adventure, Fourth Wall, Gen, Hollywood, Humor, Post-Movie(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 03:18:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5523428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Indiana Jones has made many mistakes in his life.</p><p>Signing an air-tight contract that greenlights a biopic based on his life just might be the worst one yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tinseltown

**Author's Note:**

  * For [st_aurafina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/st_aurafina/gifts).



The meeting was endless. Indiana could feel the sweat pour down his neck as the pitch man went on and on about treatments and casting. “Listen to this one - stop me if you’ve heard this one one now, you must if you have – Jasper DePew IS Indiana Jones in _Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Ancient Tomb!_ How does that strike you, Doctor Jones?”

The older man sitting across from him narrowed his eyes. He was nearly seventy now, but his eyes were still steel-sharp. “Does this Brando kid know anything about archaeology?”

“Well,” the producer harrumphed nervously, " he IS an actor, you know. They don’t have to be aware of anything.”

“Tell me about it,” Jones grumbled. “So what do you expect me to teach him?”

“And his name's not Brando...oh, you won’t have to do anything,” the producer explained. “His job will be to shadow you at your job. All you’ll have to do is go through your daily routine and he’ll learn about your quirks, your little odd behaviors, so that he can best caricature you before the lens.”

“I’m gonna regret agreeing to this, aren’t I?”

“Now, Doctor Jones – you never know. It might be the best choice you ever made in your life.”

“I doubt it,” he said.

He managed to keep it civil as they exchanged handshakes, but the whole time he was mentally preparing a speech to Marion about how very horrible the idea is and how badly he wants to squirm out of the deal.

%%%%%

“I’m not the one who signed an air-tight contract,” Marion said, carefully removing an ancient Greek vase from its packing crate. They were in the belly of USC, carefully keeping an eye on the treasures as they uncorked them. “You’ll just have to deal with it.” Just as she’d had to deal with him continuing his professorship after their marriage and he’d had to deal with her occasional need to head out on digs that he couldn’t keep an eye on.

“What a swell idea,” he grumbled. “You want me to bite my tongue while this DePew kid stomps all over my character!”

“It’s not really you, think of it that way,” she suggested. “It’s a fake character, a version of you written large. Just be yourself and he’ll probably follow your lead.”

“That sounds sick,” he said. “But I’ll roll with it.”

%%%%%

One day, Indiana told himself, he’d stop trying to look on the bright side of things. For while Mister DePew wasn’t interested in humiliating him, he was interested in being pampered, and Professor Jones had no time to pamper him and teach his class of thirty plus students at the same time.

Still the demands arrived. Mister DePew required air conditioning. Mister DePew required specially-crafted vegetarian food. Mister DePew needed sunlight. Mister DePew needed to know his motivation, why Indiana stood a certain way or gestured with his left hand.

“Cause when you’re trying to make a point, you do it with your right,” he said, quite serenely.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I just do it!” It was actually and truly that simple for him. Jasper frowned and kept scribbling notes, mildly distracting Indiana as he finished his class load and prepared to meet Marion for dinner. 

Jasper didn’t let up, not for a second – and especially now that he had Indiana alone in a car all to himself. “So are we going to meet any famous smugglers today?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“Really? No war criminals? No jealous rival archaeologists who want to kidnap your kid and take your girl?”

“The last guy who tried to ‘take’ Marion ended up with a broken nose and two black eyes,” he said, sounding weary. “And the only thing I’m planning on doing tonight is seeing my wife, having a decent dinner and grading a bunch of finals.” He almost wanted to apologize to the kid for not producing a couple of power-mad headhunters out of the blue.

“No offense, Doctor Jones – but your life is pretty boring,” Jasper said.

“And I’m aiming to keep it that way, kid.”

%%%%%

But that was the funny thing about life – it had a way of jumping out and biting you on the ass when you least expected it to. In Indiana’s case, a normal dinner with Marion developed suddenly into a robbery, and the three of them running after a couple of guys who were wearing ski masks. When Marion tackled one, and Indiana pinned the other, they immediately clammed up.

Jasper asked one of them he knew Louis B. Mayer, but they didn’t say anything more. 

After a brief chat with the police, Indiana pieced together their problem – it seemed that there was a spy ring at the university who planned to transport codes in ancient artifacts.

Two days later, he and Jasper were hanging off of a mountain, trying to hold on by the tips of their fingers, halted temporarily in pursuit thanks to lousy timing and a hairpin curve in the road.

“I thought you said your life was boring,” Jasper cried.

“This IS boring,” Indiana replied lightly, as Marion rounded the corner in a Jeep to save both of their asses.

%%%%%

This never made it into the film, but there was a scene where the fake Indy and the false Marion kissed under a waterfall. He suggested they try that sometime, and she rolled her eyes fondly and led him through the gauntlet of photographers waiting for their exit. 

**Author's Note:**

> The crack immediately sprang to mind when I read your prompt. Happy Yuletide!


End file.
